I feel it people… 2012 is going to be a year of changes and big things and happiness and yes, it won’t matter when it’s 21.12.2012 and we all die a tragic death. Ha! You didn’t think I had transformed into an optimist did you? =D
No but in all seriousness, this year I shall try harder, get a job, cut unwanted drama out, stop tring to figure out things and people who can’t be figured out and BE HAPPY because the pursuit of “happyness” has no place for assholes.

I’ve come across this vision board stuff twice in the recent past. Basically you cut pictures and inspirational words related to things you want and the universe apparently makes it happen. So universe, here is my online vision board. Do your thing.

P.S: Watch Happy Endings. It’s “AMAAZING!” *said in Penny style*

Here’s what happened since the last time we met: I had a wonderful, wonderful birthday! I am now 26. It doesn’t help that I found a card from Yusuf saying “I can’t believe you’re 21″ and a similar one from Siddhartha when I was cleaning out my cupboard. 21 year old me is probably going “Take that old hag” somewhere in a parallel universe.

This Christmas, I decorated two trees and made a little paper tree (picture below). I have learnt how to do a decent wrapping job even though I detest wrapping (Thank you Youtube!). I’ve also put on some weight (December is a BAD month). And I’ve only had two “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” panic attacks which is awesome. I wonder if there ever is a “right time” to bring up certain things. Hmm… Oh well, no matter what, I will always have books.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Enjoy your last birthday on earth. The world would have ended by this time next year and you’ll see me dancing in my skimpies next to Peter, I promise.

Bahahahaha. It’s true straight boys, it’s true. Yes, I’ve been watching Sex and the City again and yes, I thought this quote was awesome enough to deserve a post of its own. I love Samantha Jones! On an unrelated note, my dad’s initials are B.J.  Poor thing. =D

David Guetta bitches! Please watch the video before you read my rant.
So the idea is that Guetta’s song is so awesome that it literally brings the world together by causing whatever the opposite of Pangaea is. Cute except for the following things:

1. How is everyone so oblivious to these earthquakes? I mean we’re not talking everyday earthquakes. We’re talking continent moving earthquakes! And yet, they don’t give a fuck because who cares when you can dance to Guetta right? He must be God.
2. How is everyone dancing to Guetta at the same time? I know they show different times in different parts of the world but when the US people meet the “Others” (Lost reference), they seem to have already been dancing to Guetta. Does he teleport? Is there more than one of him?
3. Is anyone dancing to Usher? His beach looks lonely.
4. Those two girls who are looking at the world move on their iPad, are they on a different planet? Why aren’t they dancing to Guetta like everyone else?
5. Why is everyone so happy to see everyone else? Do they know each other? Because if that many people suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started running at me, I’d scream and shoot.
6. Did all that happen in one day? Again, Guetta must be God.

I’d appreciate any answers anyone can give me. Thank you.

*Heart symbol forever*

1985:  Made my grand entrance into the world. The folks were married in Feb 1985 and I was born in November the same year. When I asked amma why the hurry, the answer I got was “for company” (since she was alone a lot in a strange city while dad was away globetrotting).

1986-1988: Little sister was born and apparently I danced to “Ek do teen” a lot . Shit myself while my dad watched cricket. Also moved from Vashi to Andheri East which I would much later discover is as shitty as Vashi.

1989-1992: Went to a coed school. Got peed on. Played “doctor doctor” and “jailer” with my Bengali neighbor. Discovered an early hatred for Mathematics and bullied my little sister.

1992-1995: Moved to an all girls convent school.  I was an ace student, was made “class leader” multiple times and I discovered that I was awkward and ugly.

1996-1998: First crush. Stopped growing vertically.

1999: Met Christine, my only school friend, also one of my few girl friends, also one of my best friends.

2000-2001: 10th standard. I had my first boyfriend (while I was still awkward and ugly). Discovered the internet. Discovered porn and couldn’t eat sausages for about six months and mayo for at least three years.

2001-2003: 11th and 12th in *cough* GMES Junior College, Vile Parle.  Fun times but I would lie about what college I went to for a long, long time to come. Awful couple of years with the parents. Also, this marked the beginning of my physical metamorphosis. Suddenly boys wanted me so I went through a couple of boyfriends, had my first serious relationship and got lucky. Haha.

2003-2006: BEST.DAYS.OF.MY.LIFE.  Met Yusuf and the gang. Studied BMM in St. Andrews (Yep, back when it took an interview to get in).  Also met two very special online friends, Sid and Boo (Rahul). Aimlessness, fun times with the gang, lots of food, surprisingly not that much alcohol, “presentations”, Pune trip, Manori trips, stupid decisions and my first job which I would quit almost as soon as I started. Also, got a human skull aka Selvam from my sweet little sister.

2007: Lost a job because of this blog and that led to some life changing decisions. Went to Texas where I finally met Siddhartha after 4 years of talking to him online! Also met my favorite bitches, Porus and Prayag. Flew from Texas to Chicago and back with Yusuf in a little Cessna (probably the best thing I did that year). Survived a major break up and then a live-in with the ex.  Used alcohol as an escape. Visited NYC and fell in love. Got fat and depressed.

2008: Met Sumit! The awful situation at home made me contemplate a lot of bullshit. By far, the loneliest year of my life. Also, the longest “single” phase. Alcohol was probably my best friend.

2009: You know that scene in Benjamin Button where he’s describing Daisy’s accident and how if even one of those things hadn’t happened, she would have crossed the street and live to dance another day? That sort of twist of fate is exactly how I met the boyfriend.

2010-2011: Lost weight. Turbulent start to the relationship that eventually settled down. New outlook, new beginnings and second chances. Also, Canada and London trip!

I know that it was supposed to be one sentence for each year but I’m more awesome than that.

That’s all folks!

Excited before the movie.

After waiting for 45 minutes (Yep, we were that early), it was finally time! Now you know how people say “Dude that theater was literally empty when we watched X movie!” but you know literally really means there were at least five other people in the movie hall? Well in our story, there LITERALLY was no one else, not in the stall, not in the balcony. Creepy. So here we were…Sumit, I and Dev Anand at what felt like a special, private screening of CHARGESHEET…

Screenshot!

If I had to sum it up, Chargesheet is a tale of Bollywood, greed, corruption and breasts…lots of ugly, in your face breasts. Anyway, the movie starts with a couple of random people getting shot by the police and then moves to Dubai where underworld don/bhai Naseeruddin Shah is busy talking dirty with his “mehbooba” and then there’s a Bollywood themed song with Riya Sen in what is easily her best performance till date. So Mehbooba’s (I forget her character’s name) big dream in life is to be a Bollywood star so “bhai” immediately calls up his loyal trio of an actor, director (Jackie Shroff) and writer in India and orders them to make a movie asap with her in the leading role. We are also briefly  introduced to Gambhir Singh (Dev Anand) who is a retired super cop. Move over Chulbul Pandey!

"Mehbooba"

Cut to Mahabaleshwar where we are introduced to Cham Cham who is  essentially a penniless street artist(?) who wears skimpy clothes, carries a pink guitar, sings whenever she needs money in the voice of Asha Bhosle and does pelvic thrusts while people throw money at her and lives in a tent. No really, a tent! Also, she may be poor but she’s not a prostitute even though she says things like “choone ke liye 100 rs, handshake ka 200 rs.”  Umm don’t you mean handjob?  Anyhow, all Cham Cham wants is to be a movie star (Yep, just like Mehbooba) and also an expensive lehenga choli, which may not seem like important information right now but really is the center of the story. Cham Cham’s lover = Ramu . This guy is SO special.

Cham Cham

Cham Cham <3 Ramu

Then there’s Divya Dutta *barf* who happens to be an ex-supserstar and also Dev Anand’s estranged daughter in law. So, she’s mad about this whole new heroine situation and lands up in Mahabaleshwar to try and convince Jackie Shroff to change his mind. He refuses. She gets mad. She blackmails. She gets slapped. She tries to convince the fucktard lead hero. He refuses. She blackmails. She gets slapped. At some point, Gambhir Singh shows up and gives her a lecture while showing her his collection of her “nangi” photos (totally inappropriate behavior for a father in law btw) and then, he tries to choke her(!). Later that night, she gets shot to death while rocking on a rocking chair. The big mustery: Whodunit?

"Gambhir to daughter-in-law, "Tumhari nangi tasveere blah blah blah""

The cops narrow it down to the three men who last had a fight with her so yes, Gambhir Singh, ex super cop is now a murder suspect! A couple of corrupt cops, deals with the “bhai” and one “spitting chai on evil cop’s face” scene later (refer to promo), Gambhir is delusional enough to ask the home minister (played by Amar Singh!) to let him lead the case. What? A murder suspect leading the same investigation he’s a suspect in ? That’s madness you say? Not when he’s the awesome Gambhir Singh! So yes, he gets permission to lead the investigation. A couple of wtf moments and more boob shots later, it all culminates into a shootout situation with people randomly shooting and getting shot. I’m still not sure how it even got there. Somewhere in the middle, Dev Anand  Gambhir Singh fumbles, loses his glasses and an unfazed white girl is kind enough to return it to him after which she announces that she’s here in Mahabaleshwar trekking. Yes, thank you bitch for that absolutely random piece of information in the middle of a shootout.

Anyhow, at the end of it, evil guys die, justice prevails thanks to Gambhir Singh, Cham Cham gets the lehenga and goes on to become some sort of popstar. Did I mention the dialogues were PHENOMENAL? I’m still not sure how the shootout scenes at the beginning fit with the rest of the movie. Also, can someone explain wtf a “police model gun” is? Before you go, sing along won’t you? Chargesheeet Chargesheeeet Chargesheeeet….

P.S: If you have a friend like Dev Anand, shoot yourself so you’ll never have to do him favors like poor Naseeruddin Shah. Also, a fair warning, you may end up looking something like this after the movie:

• Do not make me wait every.single.time. And if you do, don’t complain about how I’m whiny for the rest of the evening.
• I drive from Andheri East braving unimaginable traffic to get to wherever you want me to come. So I don’t see the big deal when you cry about going from Versova to Juhu or Lokhandwala to Versova or any of those related places. Be a man, hop into a rickshaw and stop sobbing.
• A movie is a movie is a movie. If I am willing to drive from Andheri East to watch something you want, I don’t understand why you have to be a dick about watching a show 30 minutes later in a different theater. In the dark, all theaters are the same. Just saying.
• I HATE driving from Andheri East. But I do it because I like you people. You never offer to hang out with me in Powai or Gorgeaon or anything and I don’t complain. I have to finish work fast and get ready that much earlier than you. So the least I expect is respect for my time.

Thank you.