So, I had a little bit of a pregnancy scare a few days back. Turns out it was just gas. GAS!!! In hindsight, I blame sleep deprived paranoia and too much WebMD but more than anything, I blame all these people around me who won’t shut up about how it’s time to have a baby. I know, I’ve whined about this before but lately, there’s been SO much pressure that I’ve started to believe that all these people will just will it to happen…much like the Virgin Mary’s immaculate conception. I picture them sitting in a circle, holding creepy babies dressed in white, chanting “Get pregnant, Sheila” in a zombie voice over and over again. The scariest part is that my middle name IS Mary! So, every time I’m late by a day or have some other “symptom of early pregnancy”, I start to hyperventilate. It even regularly features in my dreams these days and IT’S NOT FAIR!
Why can’t people understand that it’s a *very* private decision between a couple? Fine, to an extent, I understand why our parents are annoying but why does every Tom, Dick, and Harry think it’s okay to pry and give advice?! When people bug me, I usually just clench my teeth or laugh it off, and maybe that’s the problem. I need to stop being nice and start telling people how I actually feel when they say these things.
“It’s been 3 years” – Yes, I know. That’s how time works. It moves forward.
“Why can’t you just have one baby?” – Because I don’t want to.”
“So, you’ll never have a baby?” – NOT YOUR CONCERN.
“But you’re 30″ – Again, time moves forward. People age. Boobs sag. Shit happens.
“Don’t you love your nieces?” – Yes, I love them to death. What’s your point?
“You’ll be such a good mother!” – Wow, you can see the future. Can you also time travel?
“But babies are so cute” – Puppies are way cuter.
“But why don’t you want to have a baby?” – I like my life the way it is. I don’t want to be responsible for another life. I’m too lazy to have a child. I can barely take care of myself. The world sucks too much. I just don’t want to. I’d rather travel. Pick your answer and leave me alone.
“You’ll learn how to be a mother” – Can you learn how to not be annoying?
“Is it because you don’t want to lose your figure?” – WHAT FIGURE?!
“But…grandchildren!” – Adopt a grandchild or two or ten!
“Who will take care of you when you’re old?” – What if said future child is an asshole and poisons me to death?
“You SHOULD have a child” – You SHOULD shut up.
“A family isn’t complete without a baby” – Says who?
And my favourite one from today
“It’s against the will of God” – FECK OFF!